Monday, February 8, 2010

Dismissing emotion


Falkenblog brings up the argument that emotions are an unnecessary distraction to being human. To his credit, he refutes the argument, but I have to say that I'm getting very frustrated with the condemnation of emotion.

I cringe when I hear adults say that it isn't acceptable to cry. Sometimes, though, there is nothing more appropriate than crying, and if you don't, if you lock that away, you've misunderstood what it means to be human.

We feel deeply, and, at the risk of getting too flowery in my language, it is a magical part of living. When we are children, we felt things acutely, painfully, both joy and disappointment, gratification and longing. Everything was magnified. Who is happier than a child, when the child is content?

Falkenblog says, "little kids cry a lot, adults almost never (curiously, I currently am only tempted to tear up during movies)." At first I was angry. Why don't we cry more, as adults? What stops us?

And then I considered the role of media in bringing up emotions in us.

Robert and I have spent the past few weeks reading a book together aloud. It was a work of fiction. At a certain plot point, during which one of the characters met a sudden demise (and, in a sense, so did the plot, in my estimation), I felt a surge of feeling. I hadn't known how attached I'd grown to that character until that moment. And I loved that a mere work of fiction could cause me to feel something so strongly. For that reason alone I don't regret reading that book, though it was harrowing and ultimately disappointing.

I use fiction, music, and film to some extent as a safe arena for experiencing and dealing with powerful emotions. Part of me, I think, fears that bringing out the pure emotion I felt as a child and which is now tempered by adulthood will make me less functional. A little emotion, seeping through, helps with decision-making, as Falkenblog points out. A lot of it would probably cripple me, as much as a three-year-old throwing a monstrous fit, or distracted by utter fascination at a grasshopper.

But really, the reason for embracing emotion is because it makes living so rich. When we grow up and lose touch, we lose too much.

(Forgive my lack of organization with this, but it seemed fitting to leave a post addressing emotion a little bit irrational.)

20 comments:

  1. You guys have to read _How We Decide_. The emotions are essential. And magical.

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  2. Love this topic. Nice post, Jenn.

    My take on emotions is that they can tell you useful things, but if not tempered with a conscious analysis of them, can consume you and lead to -- hate to use this word -- "primitive" behavior.

    Maybe an example will help: I am walking in my yard and come across a snake -- undoubtedly I am going to feel to fear, it is just a matter of whether and how I express it. I could react immediately with fight or flight, run inside like a little girl, and shiver with fear for hours, saying "what was that?!" to every noise. Or I could back up a step, analyze my fears, understanding they are left over from thousands of years of evolutionary history, notice that it is nothing but a harmless rat snake, and turn the emotion from fear to curiosity.

    Another example: I come home one day to a broken window and realize I have been robbed. Without consciously analyzing my emotions, I would turn into a flaming ball of anger/frustration/fear/whatever. On the other hand, I could ask myself, what good are these emotions, and why do they exist at all? Should I really be fuming about losing some *things*? Is it really just a violation of expectations/normalcy/comfort that make me feel this way? Is anything of substance lost? If so, will these emotions help in any way? Will they hurt?

    This is all just to say that, yes, emotions are useful and as Bob says essential, but so is a conscious analysis of those emotions.

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  3. Jenn,

    Nice graphic!

    I agree with your argument. I also think that emotion is part of human rationality. Just as people can do low-quality thinking, people can also do low-quality feeling. But that doesn't mean that high-quality, accurate feeling isn't possible, and useful.

    Emotion gets short-shrift because popular understanding of it is very poor. I believe that emotion is part of the processing that we do, and is closely akin to conscious thinking.

    People argue that they can't control their emotions. Well, they also can't control which conclusions they come to in conscious thought. You can't decide to believe something that you just don't believe. Nor can you choose to feel differently. But both your beliefs and feelings can change as you consider new ideas, gain new understanding, and have new experiences. So, what's the important difference between what you thin and what you feel? Probably just that thinking is a mostly transparent process, while feeling is an opaque one.

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  4. Bob,

    I'm on the wait list for that book. Thanks for the recommendation.

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  5. Justin,

    My first thought when I read your comment was that this is exactly what we're afraid is going to happen, that once we get in touch with emotion, to the degree we did when we were younger, we'll get overly absorbed, lost, and unable to function. How much would it interfere with our ability to make sound decisions? I don't know the answer. But I'm really intrigued by the question.

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  6. Rob,

    Thanks! I found it myself. :)

    "Emotion gets short-shrift because popular understanding of it is very poor." Huzzah! You've put into words what I only had a rough feeling about.

    And I love the rest of what you said, especially since I'm surrounded by people who insist -- absolutely insist -- that you can and must change your emotions. I feel like the lone voice saying, "No, you can't." Or, more deferentially, "maybe YOU can, but I certainly can't seem to do it."

    I want to take your entire comment and put it in vinyl lettering on a tile and hang it prominently in our living room.

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  7. See, and I think too many people are running around dwelling on the feelings they have *about* their feelings (for example that you *should* feel a particular way, or not). I feel like those meta-feelings are where people expend their emotional energy instead of just having the original feelings and letting them pass.

    I really don't think we need to worry about being overwhelmed by our emotions if we allow ourselves to experience them. On the contrary, I think that by opening ourselves to them we make it less likely that we'll implode someday because we didn't let things out (or in) a little bit at a time. We're human, and it's okay to have (and to express) feelings. It's also helpful to apply reason to them when we have them.

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  8. Love the post--

    Actually, just 2 hrs ago I was sitting, holding Elijah (my infant son) while he whimpered and cried in his sleep, mentally writing a blog post that would have been titled, "The Beauty of Tears."

    You wrote:
    "And I love the rest of what you said, especially since I'm surrounded by people who insist -- absolutely insist -- that you can and must change your emotions. I feel like the lone voice saying, "No, you can't." Or, more deferentially, "maybe YOU can, but I certainly can't seem to do it.""

    In my experience, experiencing emotion changes emotion; crying tears purges hurt. I can't force emotions to change, and my useless attempts end in disaster, such as the pregnancy woes I've talked with you about, or back pain, or knee pain or digestive problems. But after those disastrous attempts, when I finally allow the emotions, give them voice, or simply mentally accept them, they often soften and whisk away of their own accord.

    I've been trying this out with my son (and hoping what's right for me is right for him). For example, Elijah was born with severe tongue-tie, and we allowed the doc to clip his tongue. When I held him after the procedure, I deliberately fought against sh-ing him or telling him it was ok, and instead asked him to tell me all about it, while I held and rocked him in my arms. He howled and howled, louder than before (to the dismay perhaps of all the staff in the NICU). But eventually he quieted down, without me asking or telling him to. I think the tears and the experiencing moves us through the emotion and frees us from it.

    I use this in my marriage too. When I'm angry at Chris, I tell him I'm angry. Often even just the telling of it quietly -- the recognition and expression of my emotion -- makes it ebb.

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  9. I think we are all in agreement that trying to either suppress or ignore emotions is foolish.

    I think where I might diverge is that I do believe the pure acceptance of emotions can be dangerous, and that without reason, emotions can be overwhelming. There would be nothing wrong with the experience of unadulterated emotions even when irrational and counterproductive if it had no implications on our behavior. So there is nothing wrong with getting emotional during a movie because that's kind of the point of it -- to sit there and feel things. But most of the time emotions do affect our behavior and often in deleterious ways, so I maintain that there are times (many times, actually) when it is best to let reason over-rule emotions, e.g. arguments with loved ones. It is a difficult line to balance because you need to express enough emotion to show that you care but not so much that you become completely unreasonable.

    With that said, I hope you know I have a ton of respect for all of you, so please help me see it your way.

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  10. Justin--

    I like to think of the two -- emotions and reason/intellect -- as working together, similar to a marriage, or the way I think of my spirit (the core part of me, my will) working with my body. In the past, I tended to let the spirit and reason dominate over their alternative, but I've been trying to move toward embracing both, listening to and respecting both, and having them both work in harmony with each other.

    For example, I spent much of my life demanding that my body cooperate with things like all-nighters, intense studying, challenging hiking and outdoor adventures, and working even when I'm sick with a high fever. I think it's preferable to listen to my body, acknowledge its needs, and find a balance or harmony between doing what I want to do and what my body is capable of doing comfortably.

    Likewise for emotions and reason, -- I like to think of finding harmony between the two.

    I agree with you about expressing emotion in deleterious ways. But I don't think emotions lead directly to behavior. Thus, I can recognize that I'm angry at Chris (my husband) and I feel anger and that anger is valid. But then I can balance that with reason, as you discuss, and decide that the anger is my responsibility, not his, and we work together to resolve the source of that anger (for example, by changing my expectations or his behavior or both).

    I'm probably just re-phrasing what you already said. Perhaps the different wording is because I grew up in complete denial (all reason) of my emotions, and found that denying emotions -- telling myself I don't really feel that way, or I shouldn't feel that way, or I can't feel that way -- ends up causing more problems. If I let that happen, then I end up with those behavioral problems in my marriage, where the emotions burst out on their own and I'm fighting with the emotions and reason to stay in control. (I use marriage as an example, but the principles apply in all areas of life, and before I got married as well)

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  11. Forgive the time it takes me to reply to your comments. I like to let them sink in for a little bit before I reply, but in the meantime, let me offer this little nugget of trivia:

    The picture on the post is Plate I from Charles Darwin's "The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals." A little crossover homage to previous posts. Heh.

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  12. Bob,

    Jenn and I just started How We Decide last night. Chapter one fits very nicely with what I believe about the conscious and subconscious parts of the mind. Very interesting stuff!

    Justin,

    I think of emotion as the expression of the operational part of the mind: the part of the mind that we use all day long to process the world and, yes, make decisions about it. In a sense, emotions are merely the output of the program that we have written for our operational minds.

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  13. Sarah,

    What you said is exactly right, and now that you've said it, it seems very important to remember that dealing with emotions as they occur makes them manageable. Most of the time. Not addressing them is often what causes the problems.

    I love what you said to Elijah in the NICU -- not dismissing his pain, but giving him real empathy. When others do this for us, not by telling us, "Oh, it isn't THAT big of a deal, you'll be fine" (and why is that supposed to give us any comfort anyway?), we feel better. For me it eases the conflict between pure emotion and the self-doubt about the rightness of that emotion.

    And, yes, complete denial of emotion in favor of reason alone is a very bad idea.

    Thanks for your comments! I need a bigger tile.

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  14. Justin,

    I have to say this, even if it comes out kind of nitpicky.

    Lots of people argue that emotion is okay, in moderation, but that reason untempered is great. Why, though? Why is the one valued more than the other? To me it seems like sacrificing the joy of human experience for something rather dissociated from living, and I don't know why that would be prized.

    In other words, what has reason ever accomplished that trumps emotion?

    I know you're not arguing for one over the other entirely, but I find it interesting that when people express a preference, it's almost always for reason.

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  15. "...when people express a preference, it's almost always for reason."

    That's the Platonic bias. It's cultural.

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  16. I think we need to separate (1) emotions as a tool in the decision-making process and (2) emotional expression.

    The first is subconscious feeling as Lehrer talks about -- the operational mind, "intuition", the output resulting from a mysterious calculation too complex for our conscious minds to perform. I have little doubt that feelings are extremely important in the decision-making process, and sorely under-appreciated. Thinking is still important to understand when you might be biased (e.g., loss aversion), but if I had to pick between the two, I'd pick feeling.

    But I see this as more like the subtle recognition of gut feelings -- quite different from emotional expression like we see in children. It needs to be asked: Why do we after a certain age stop wailing whenever we get hungry or sleepy? I think it's because thinking/consciousness develops, and we are better able to regulate how we react to our emotions.

    Again, suppressing, ignoring: Bad, I agree. And I do think some level of emotional expression is good (e.g., to show we care), but I think there is an optimal level. Of course it depends on the context, but I do think the majority of the time it is a good idea to simply *notice* emotions, question them, ask what (if anything) they are telling you, rather than to get caught up in the feeling of them as small children do.

    But I am open to (and desiring of) counterarguments.

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  17. I've been thinking more about this post and wanting to say things similar to what Justin has just said above. There is an enormous difference between *feeling* your feelings and expressing them. And then, of course, there are countless forms of expression. I think the optimal arrangement is one where we have the ability (and practice) to feel our feelings and then to use reason to observe and temper those feelings to determine a practical response and form of expression. It isn't (or doesn't need to be) about dismissing your feelings, but about being mindful about how you express them.

    Although I'm not a follower of anything, I'm attracted to some of the notions of Zen (mostly because they match remarkably my own observations, experiences, and conclusions). Here (as I interpret it), the key is awareness. Always. Be aware of what's going on inside you - your thoughts, your feelings, all of it. Simply by being aware, you have the ability to respond appropriately. And by practicing the awareness and the responsiveness, we become very adaptable and richer in our experience.

    Like I said initially, emotions are essential. One of my favorite sayings is that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Life will bring us all of the feelings that we're capable of experiencing. How we respond to them is entirely up to us. Children have no experience yet with this practice. Some adults never get there, either.

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  18. Rob,

    So, are you saying that the Platonic bias is an affectation and should be, well, looked at more closely rather than followed unquestioningly? Or am I projecting too much? :)

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  19. Great comment, Justin!

    "Why do we after a certain age stop wailing whenever we get hungry or sleepy? I think it's because thinking/consciousness develops, and we are better able to regulate how we react to our emotions.

    "Again, suppressing, ignoring: Bad, I agree. And I do think some level of emotional expression is good (e.g., to show we care), but I think there is an optimal level. Of course it depends on the context, but I do think the majority of the time it is a good idea to simply *notice* emotions, question them, ask what (if anything) they are telling you, rather than to get caught up in the feeling of them as small children do."

    First of all, I think, now that I'm understanding your perspective better, I don't disagree with you as much as I thought I did.

    I think, though, that it's possible that a lot of children's evident emotion is magnified by their helplessness. They MUST be noticed if they are to be fed, warmed, comfortable, etc., and as they gain independence, that panic is lessened greatly, so they appear calmer.

    The more control we have, the less we need to act out, to be noticed. But hopefully we still have the rich internal experience that emotion brings.

    "if I had to pick between the two, I'd pick feeling."

    Huzzah!

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  20. Bob,

    Welcome back!

    I agree that mindful expression of emotion is a desirable thing. I never meant to argue that the world should support whatever emotional tyranny I want to unleash at any moment...

    ...but, that said, I still take issue with one little part of what you wrote:

    "Life will bring us all of the feelings that we're capable of experiencing. How we respond to them is entirely up to us."

    Sarah talked about emotional responses to emotion and expression, and while I don't disagree generally, I keep wondering:

    Can you really control your responses? To what degree?

    Robert can always tell when I'm restraining my emotions, when what I express is inconsistent with what I'm feeling. I assume therefore that my ability to control my responses is really quite limited. Is it different for other people? What's your experience with this?

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